Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
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Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
whenever someone in a movie yells “the portal’s closing!!!!!” i’m like ok but you’ve never seen it before so how do u even know
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Explaining to the plumber that it’s a ziplock bag of my birthday cake I forgot I hid in the toilet tank, and also please don’t tell the kids about this spot.
Gave my seat to a blind man on the bus.
Lost my job as a bus driver.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
me reading the group chat when nobody thinks i’m around
Tell the colonel to bring it
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods
I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape