Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
You Might Also Like
I’ll date any guy that can digest a seagull faster than me.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
Maybe raccoons aren’t really digging through trash for food,
Maybe they’re just looking for something to remove their eye shadow.
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective
Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective
Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say
Moderna: ours is 195%
Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.