I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
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nobody
literally nobody
my mom to our uber driver: so tell me all about yourself
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
[holding my brain upside down, shaking out its pockets] gimme your serotonin nerd
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Moms 2007: I don’t know why you text LOL when you aren’t literally laughing
Moms 2017: Cry face emoji, clapping hands, three monkeys
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
look at me when i’m typing to you
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Dude next to me in Oppenheimer kept sighing and then pretending to cover his eyes for like two seconds every time Florence Pugh showed up naked. He’d cover them, immediately look again, and then sigh like “she’s still naked??” repeat
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.