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ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
Husbands and wives who never fight,
How does your house get cleaned?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
As a parent I have to be prepared for anything. But I was not prepared on my drive to work this morning when a toy in my back seat turned itself on and exclaimed “Let’s read together!”
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.