how do lawyers not cry when arguing
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[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
Candid photo of me, eating chips.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Me: This little kid sitting next to me in a restaurant wouldn’t stop screaming so I decided to scream back and wow I totally get why kids scream it’s so freeing and so much better than actually verbalizing your emotions
Therapist: I think you’re regressing
Me: *screams* am i?
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Imagine dating, falling in love, getting married, having kids, and only then realizing that the person you chose is literally incapable of whispering
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.