You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
You Might Also Like
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
HUMPTY DUMPTY: Quick, put me back together!
TOTO: There’s nothing that 100 men or more could ever do.
HUMPTY DUMPTY: …maybe call the horses?
Gosh, some tweeters are super nice.
One guy offered to trim my tree and another one wants to stuff my stockings!
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
Twitter is an abusement park.
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
Husband: Did your friend Kathy have her baby boy?
Me: She had a girl.
H: Oh.
Me: Yeah, she’s 5 now.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave