“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
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“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
the rocks need my help
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
Obama: “I have no more campaigns to run…because I won both of them”
Biden like 2 years later: LOL OH I GET IT. HES BEEN PRESIDENT FOR TW
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
Wife: What in the hell are you eating?!?!
Me: Soup
W: That’s Queso dip!!
M: Cheese soup
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?