6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?
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Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
My swear jar has more money in it than my bank account
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Dropped my Ant Farm and now the rug is like the first 30-minutes of Saving Private Ryan.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Love this one 😂🧟
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
Mistakes were made