Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes![]()
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A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
Assert dominance in the prison yard by starting a conga line.
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Did you really get a crocodile tattooed around your belly button?
-IT’S AN ALLIGATOR KAREN. GOD YOU’RE SUCH AN IDIOT.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Ovenable?
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the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.