Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:
-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes
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Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
90% of marriage is seething hostility towards your spouse for being on their phone once your own phone dies
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
3yo: welcome to my store.
Me: thank you how much for this apple?
3yo: ummm fifty dollars.
Me: wow and these grapes?
3yo: um SIXTY dollars.
Me: geez how about this lemon?
3yo: FIFTY AND SIXTY DOLLARS!
and this still isn’t the most expensive grocery store in nyc
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
me: Should I pack condoms?
wife*laughs*
me*driving*
wife*still laughing*
me*checks into the hotel*
wife*calls friend so they can both laugh*
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
I have always been suspicious of Wendy’s hamburgers because they are square; much unlike the round hamburgers one finds in nature.
You can’t outrun your problems…
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”