Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
You Might Also Like
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Holy shit he’s back
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31