@themommylode

Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.

Fun times

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@jwoodham

“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.

@JasonNotEvil

Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks

Me, 45: Looks like a million hams

@AndyAsAdjective

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

@SteveSuckington

[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]

“what are you doing inside my house?”

@sundaecone888

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

@XplodingUnicorn

Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?

Me: Are you surprised I like kids?

Him: I’m surprised you had sex.

@robyn_vo

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

@causticbob

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

@DanLaMorte

I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them

@WheelTod

It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.