@jwoodham “Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
@themommylode Sitting on the toilet when 3 comes in and turns off all the lights just to see if his hot wheels glows in the dark.
Fun times
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@jwoodham 
@JasonNotEvil Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
@AndyAsAdjective My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.
@SteveSuckington [homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
@sundaecone888 Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.
@XplodingUnicorn Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
@robyn_vo Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
@causticbob If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?
@DanLaMorte I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them
@WheelTod It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.