i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
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my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
My friends definitely cannot handle their alcohol. Last night they dropped me 3 times carrying me out of the bar
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
I signed up for a Yahoo email address and suddenly turned 85 years old.
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign