i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
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Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
*tying a ton of balloons to my neighbor’s dog* Good boy, Oliver, now take your incessant barking to the sky
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
Redheaded guys know they can just dye their hair, right? They don’t have to live like that.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?!
[Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Sometimes if you say “Wow, you’re tall!” to a tall person they realize they’re tall for the first time and thank you with cash
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.