i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
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just give your kids the ipad they’re the ones who’ll be fighting cyborgs in the future.
I like the sound of thunder because there’s always a tiny little chance that my ex will be struck by lightning
Our toilet seat lid broke. My husband is shopping Amazon for a new seat. “We can save 11% by getting a used one!”
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Had sex with a dude and he started sending me really bad original music he had clearly written about me. I’m a terrible muse.
*singing* Got a feeling 22 is gonna be a good year
“Israeli scientists train goldfish to steer car”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
Great news my neighbor just pedaled by on a road bike wearing spandex and when I waved at him he made finger guns so I’m no longer the least cool neighbor on my street!
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
sick of our media’s unrealistic portrayal of Boomerangs , which are weak as shit in real life
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
Not😆🤣
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?
dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you
me: not now, dad
dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?
me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn
dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?