Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
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My husband never answers the phone when I need him!
When I need him: Middle of the afternoon, on a Tuesday, while he is at work, and there is not one but TWO wasps flying around the kitchen tormenting me.
SEND HELP!
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
[Husband 911]
Me: I just shattered the gravy boat.
911: She’ll kill you.
M: I know.
911: We never spoke.
M: What?
911: Good luck
* Click *
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
“I have a date with destiny”
Yeah well, I’m in a long term relationship with the consequences of my actions
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Me:(Standing on a Bosu Ball at bootcamp) No one tells us what to do.
Trainer(rolling eyes) Rene, get down. You asked me to teach this.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
lol
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.