Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
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When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Darth Vader tried to kill Solo, but sadly struggled with his Han die coordination
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting