welcome mats are just gateway rugs
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My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
the idiots at NASA just hit Jupiter with one of their fireworks
My stepmother asking me exactly how many chicken nuggets to make for my kids like lady it could be 15 or 0 do I look like some kind of psychic
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.