The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
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I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
Every place I have ever bought from is emailing me about holiday sales. It鈥檚 like, sorry, Advance Auto Parts, I will not be buying anyone a car battery for Christmas
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
So we鈥檝e been saving this hour for four months and we鈥檙e going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
Cutest fight ever.. 馃槉
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn鈥檛 wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I鈥檓 just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Her: I love you
Me: What鈥檇 I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what鈥檇 you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”
*googles how the hell I ended up here*