@shutupmikeginn If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
@ObscureGent 2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
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@shutupmikeginn 
@simoncholland Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
@shanethevein I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
@Kim_pulsive Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
@_doorbeing Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
@AudraEqualityMc Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
@famouscrab yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
@Fred_Delicious What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
@KrazykurtKurt ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
@SCbchbum If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”