-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

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If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.


Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.


I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.


Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.


Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️


yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird


ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.


If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”