@ObscureGent

2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive

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@shutupmikeginn

If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.

@simoncholland

Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.

@shanethevein

I see dead people.

Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.

@Kim_pulsive

Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.

@AudraEqualityMc

Sally: I Love You Mommy!

Me: Melts into a puddle.

Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.

Me: Oh. ☹️

@famouscrab

yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird

@KrazykurtKurt

ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.

@SCbchbum

If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”