2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
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Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
*looks over back shoulder*
*puts car in reverse*Wife: OH MY GOD
*slams brakes*
Me: WHAT?
Wife: Becky just posted the cutest picture
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
Dressing up as the grim reaper while at work in the ER is not amusing says HR. So uptight.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan