2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive![]()
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My 6-year-old made me a necklace for mother’s day. She gave it to me yesterday on my birthday. She took it away from me before she went to bed so she could wrap it up and give it to me again for mother’s day. I like her style.
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
jesus, what did this guy do
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He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
We were walking out of Costco when we saw this baby eat the receipt before they got out. The mom’s look was just like, oh no
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
dictator is short for richard potato
girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.