tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
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*storms out of office bathroom*
*slams roll of single-ply toilet paper on boss’s desk*
I CAN’T WORK LIKE THIS
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
[Reviewing my 9-year-old’s Amazon wishlist for her birthday]
Me: I don’t understand what half this stuff is.
9: You don’t have to understand it. You just have to buy it.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
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Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
A Harvard professor says I should only eat six French fries per serving. When I have PMS I can easily eat six Harvard professors in one sitting though.
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
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If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
“The biblical Noah is no different than say, a Pokemon master, collecting God’s creatures for his own amusement,” I casually mention during the staff meeting while waiting for my PowerPoint to load
the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
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Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Me; Alexa! Start understanding my Indian accent
Alexa: Here’s what I found on Wikipedia about median cement
*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
if men were attracted to weird digestive gurgle noises I’d be having a whole nother kind of sex life