tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
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Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
According to Marie Kondo, we should get rid of anything that doesn’t spark joy. By that logic, I should just quit my job.
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
There is no longer any distinction between Nicolas Cage’s movies and Nicolas Cage’s life.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
I hang crystals in my window as a warning to other crystals
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*
**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod