I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
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Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
A friend helps you before you need it
My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
If you eliminate the delete option our tweets will become life sentences.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Jesus take the wheel. No that’s a book. A penny. A rock. DAMMIT JESUS DIDN’T YOU TAKE THAT ENGLISH AS A SECOND LANGUAGE CLASS I RECOMMENDED
Anyone really
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
If Thor is a woman, what’s next? Woman doctors? Woman lawyers? Woman mothers? When will it end?
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Ghost of Caesar: and what of my legacy? what now bares my name? Buildings? Mountains?
Me:uhh remember how you used to love romaine lettuce?
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.