Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
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yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Attacked by a mop.
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
the worm is coming from inside the brain
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.
… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
When your name is Jenn & people think it’s short for Jennifer, but it’s really short for Jennatalia.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
constantly working on myself.
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
[talent show audition]
Me: *pressing lips to mic* I’m a coroner by day and a ventriloquist by night
Judge: whose lips are those?
My 6yr old has ruined my life by learning how to spell. I can’t talk about anything with her around anymore. I knew this whole school thing was a bad idea.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy