Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
You Might Also Like
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Some of you are acting like you got off a flight from Australia instead of losing one hour.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.