Mashed, baked or roasted? I could be asking either how you prefer your potatoes or how you like to spend your weekends.
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oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
For the first time ever, my teen texted me a grateful, loving, appreciative text! … quickly followed by:
“sry that wsnt for u”
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Ugh I can’t stand him. I’m not gonna go into it but let me just say this…
[40 min later]
…and you should see the way he ties his shoes, I hope he dies
Fun: text friend Are you alone right now? They go Yes. Then u text back LOL
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
The place where you pour in the gas is the car’s gasshole.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
[Dog asleep on rug] I once killed a bear with my own two paws
[Legs move wildly]
THAT’S IT I’M WAKING HIM
“No Henry. Let sleeping dogs lie.”