If you were 8 yrs old when “red red wine” was released UB40 now
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Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
You hear a lot about golden retriever boyfriends but not girlfriends. I am one. Always excited to see you, motivated by treats and pets, constantly shedding
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Me: Ugh…where am I?
Voice: Never mind that. I’ve missed you.
M: WHO’S THERE??
*steps into the light to reveal the DuoLingo owl*
DuoLingo Owl: “Who” indeed…You missed your last French lesson.
M: HEEEELP
D: IT LEARNS TO SAY “JE T’AIME BIEN” OR ELSE IT GETS THE HOSE AGAIN
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
If I had a dime for every time my kids called mom I could buy my own island but my kids would still find me.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”