Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
You Might Also Like
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
Don’t propose with a diamond, that’s so yesterday. Propose with a pair of oven mitts, at least she’ll knows what she’s getting herself into.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
One million people have DM’d me asking me to stop lying about the number of people who DM me.
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
I just want to be half as productive as my mom thinks she would be if she was me.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?