My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
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Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.
Please don’t block me.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Body by cheese-puffs.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.