Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
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MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
First rule of double entendre club is please let us know if you’re coming
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
8: momma why didn’t you swim?
Me: I wasn’t in the mood and not a big fan of swimming.
8: well I’m not ever in the mood or a fan of school and I have to do that.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
JOURNEY:
🎶Strangers, waiting,🎶
🎶Up and down the boulevard🎶
🎶Their shadows searching in the night!🎶ME: Now, wait just a goshdarn minute. How in the heck can you have shadows at night??
JOURNEY:
🎶Streetlights,🎶
🎶people🎶ME: Ah. Carry on.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?