Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
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Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I forgot why I went upstairs.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.