When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
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Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
Pacifist? No, I think all oceans are beautiful
What I’ve learned from Dateline:
1. A hit man is surprisingly cheap and they almost always take payment plans.
2. Random murders are rare.
3. One should keep a missing photo file so the news has all your “good” photos.
5. The husband totally did it.
Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
I come from a long line of successful people.
I decided to stop that tradition.
what day is it?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
My kids just introduced themselves as “Let’s Go” and “We’re Late”
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Astronaut: Dave, that’s not necessary in zero-G.
Penguin: [flapping wings] Just let me have this.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”