I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
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Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
help im covered in chameleons & no one believes me
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
This is the coolest video you will see today.
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
[Starbucks]
What can I get you?I’ll have a large coffee, black
“You don’t have to say black”
I’ll have a large coffee, African American
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.