@NicCageMatch

Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

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@ADHDeanASL

Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom

@Vice_Queen

Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?

@Donna_McCoy

Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.

@DurtMcHurtt

Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.

@iwearaonesie

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

@A_single_bear

Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts

@SpaceBaller34

Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.

@MelvinofYork

I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.

@kristabellerina

13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.