Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.

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Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom


Me: Describe your love for me in one word.

Him: My what?


Sorry, I can’t be around you today.

The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.


Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.


toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that


Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me


Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.


I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.


13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.