Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
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Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
Thursday Thought.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
DEATH: behold, the four horsemen! The apocalypse is nigh!
ME: You’re all centaurs?!!!
FAMINE: What did you expect?
ME: lol
WAR: STOP LAUGHING!! ALL SHALL PERISH!!
ME: you want a sugar cube?
FAMINE:… Yes
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.