i type in all lowercase because i hate capitalism
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How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
[space shuttle]
Captain: prepare for landing
Me: roger that
C: reverse thrusters
M: sretsurht lol
C: lol
*we smash full speed into the moon*
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
“OMG why am I so sore?”
*Flashback to me doing five push-ups yesterday*
“Oh right.”
“I bumped into your wife yesterday”
“Oh, where?”
“You know the café opposite the S&M club?”
“Yes”
“Opposite that café”
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
One thing I don’t miss about dining out at restaurants, is the immense pressure I feel when a server pours a little wine in a glass and waits for me to sniff, swirl and sip like I have any idea what the hell I’m actually doing.