Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
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[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.