Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
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I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
[at a party]
Host: may I take your coat?
Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
I bet the reason Kim Kardashian hasn’t named her baby is because she doesn’t know she’s supposed to.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
[me, in a sting operation]
Can I buy your best stuff?
DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff?
*talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.