I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
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Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
Me: Where did you find that orange sex pillow?
Play date host: That’s a gymnastics wedge. It’s for gymnastics. For my kids. Why would I keep a sex pillow in my living room at a play date?
Me:
Host:
Me: Where did you find that gymnastics wedge?
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
My headphones have been pausing to say “battery low” every 2 minutes for the past hour. This is how music is meant to be enjoyed.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses..
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better