Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
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Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
“Whoa nice car”
Thanks. I dropped 40K on a new set of wheels
[whispers to friend] “What kind of idiot spends $40,000 on tires”
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.