#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
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All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
[Valentine’s Day]
Me: I got you a bunch of flowers
GF: Thanks
Me: There were loads just by the roadside. Got you a teddy and a candle too
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
5 ways to appear taller
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house