Covid has totally eradicated the handshake. And also the joy I used to get from shaking someone’s hand, apologising that mine is covered in sweat and then reassuring them that it’s not my own sweat
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Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
*Do not consume if seal is broken*
I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
[cop sniffing me] you’re all over the road get out of the vehicle
[me after putting on too much hand cream] I’ll try
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”
– Me, camping
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
[funeral]
Wife: he looks so peaceful
Me: yeah I gave the priest an edible
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[first date]
him: what’s the one word that best describes you?
me: I’m acerbic
him: I’ve never met anyone from Acerbia
me: no it means I have a sharp tongue
him: I bet that comes in handy when you’re chewing your food
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.