No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
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I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Server: Would you like to try our new cauliflower pizza crust?
Me: No, I-
Server: Cauliflower soda?
Me: I just wanted to-
Server: [Nudging forward a very pale man] Your new cauliflower husband
Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Put the is in disheveled
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Sending a letter to Netflix informing them that I’m currently unemployed and the “are you still watching?” question is 100% not necessary.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
taking a toddler to the beach timeline:
-pack the entire house: 1 hour
-find parking: 35 mins
-get sunscreen on a moving child: 15 mins
-set up all your stuff: 25 mins
-get a solid 15 mins of playtime in before some bullshit (child is fussy, bored, tired)
-pack up… 🤣
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*