Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.

I consider that false advertising.

Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.

*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL

ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*

I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos

Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.

Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.

Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.

Nice try, self check out lanes. There’s not even any mirrors.

[Hospital front desk]

“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”

*wife hits me*

“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”

Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call

Me: *getting struck by lightning*

Kid: Mommy, can I have a snack?

My 20 y.o. son: Mom, if you were in Star Wars, do you think you’d be on the light side or the dark side?

Me: I’d probably be the mom whose son abandoned her to stay a slave on a desert planet after he won a flying car race.

You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

“Hey girl wanna go out Saturday night?”
No thanks I have a previous engagement
“I’m cool with that, hell I’ve been married like 6 times”

If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl

Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.

If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.

[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

[Commercial for Legos]

Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?

The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.

Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.