Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.

ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…

{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station

Make librarians cry by calling it a “Book Museum” while taking pictures with your iPad.

Overheard at the pool:

Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?

*long pause*

3 year old: a cat

No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

turtles are just lizards who work in construction

Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.

See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?

Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.

I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.

WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?

ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

I was going to pay $100/hour to see a psychic, but fortunately I found a huge bag of fortune cookies for $18.50 instead.

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.

Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.

him: anything to declare

me: i don’t really like soup

everyone else in customs: [GASP]

Architect: so for the bathroom-

Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable

Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap

This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along

You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.

everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks

february: no

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no

Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist

Maybe you owe the rhythm some money and that’s why it’s trying to get you.

WE DON’T KNOW!

The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]

hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.