Teenage son gets academic honors every year in school, yet he can’t cut a straight line with a lawnmower. I believe I am being played……
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Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
My toxic trait is that I answer “spam likely” calls, because maybe I can fix them.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Not me, making a fresh batch of no bake cookies because I don’t want the kids to know I ate all of the no bake cookies we made yesterday.
That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.