Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
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You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
Teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime; teach a man to catfish and he can trick some perv in Omaha into sending him rent money.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Literally nothing gives me more anxiety than when someone asks me what I like to do for fun.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan