My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
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Give a man a fish and he’ll say “Sir put that back in the tank.” Teach a man to fish and he’ll say “ok pal, it’s time you left the aquarium”
You’re not USELESS…
I’m just saying that 300 years ago YOU would’ve been the one to test which mushrooms the village could & couldn’t eat
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours