Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
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Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
therapist: and what do we do when we are sad?
me: add to cart
therapist: no
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
I was watching this YouTube video about “housecleaning before Christmas.” It’s very similar to housecleaning.
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.