When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
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My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
Do something nice for your ex today, take them out. One bullet should do the trick.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
#winning
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
i know parents looking like their kids is obvious but the way reese witherspoon hit ctrl c + ctrl v on her daughter is mad
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
My blood type is coffee.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.