FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME
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Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
You know that scene from The Office where Kelly updates Jim on all the celebrity babies and he says “that’s great. What’s new with you?” And she says “I just told you.”
Well, that’s my situation every evening in my marriage but it’s Kate Middleton.
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
It takes an entire village’s coffee to raise a child
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
bout dat hot dog summer
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Me: (sees turtle) goddamnit I envy your affordable housing.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!