The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
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Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
hear me out…
…lasagna-flavoured cologne
not lasagna-scented, i said flavoured
*licks wrists*
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
The booster protects against what, now?
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Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
I just found out my husband doesn’t pronounce the j in pendulum
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol
I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
ME: Table…table doesn’t look great
JESUS: Through me you will have eternal life
ME: ok cool but you SPECIFICALLY said you were a carpenter
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway