The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
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*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
in second grade there was a new girl in my class named Treasure and her parents were hippies. i remember thinking hippies weren’t that bad. and then i met her little sister Tammy. they gave up on cool names after ONE kid! don’t be Treasure’s parents
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I got fired for telling customers if they wanted “smoking or non-smoking”.
Apparently the correct term in the funeral home business is “cremation or burial”.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[leaning against the wall like a cool guy in an 80s music video]
Me: *slow nods at pretty girl*
Pharmacist: Sir…your suppositories are ready
Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
|
Prince
|
Duke Ellington
|
Steve Earle
|
Lorde
|
Lady Gaga
|
Sir Mix-a-Lot
Me recordaron éste meme
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s