cinderella had an entire animal army and a magic grandma, and all she did with that was go to party to meet a man. in the history of misses wow that’s the biggest one
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My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[ad for milk]
give your Skeleton strength for the war to come
The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Why does my 2yo insist on looking homeless when we leave the house?
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?