You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
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Maybe if we all tell the virus we need to talk, it’ll break up with us first.
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
I forgot my glasses so I pointed to a random spot on the menu and now I’m hoping for the best
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.