My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
Has anyone lived long enough to buy a 2nd bottle of Worchestershire sauce ?
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Pretty sure my refrigerator is having sex with itself from all the noises its making.
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
My boss is so lazy he just clutched his chest and tumbled down the stairs and now he’s asleep at the bottom.
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
I hope my kids love the gifts they receive for Christmas so I’ll have more things to take away when I need to punish them
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.