Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.

But what if it’s actually three trench coats disguised as a guy in a trench coat?

me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose

CDC: no

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes

If you rarely drive on snow, just pretend you’re taking your grandma to church. There’s a platter of biscuits and 2 gallons of sweet tea in glass jars in the back seat. She’s wearing a new dress and holding a crock pot full of gravy.

Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done

yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days

Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.

– Why they wear masks

honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old

Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

reporter: tell us what happened
me: some BEEEPing motherBEEEPer crashed into my car
reporter: you dont have to say beep we put them in after

Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

Took my little niece to the zoo. So many questions. “What’s that? Why’s its neck so long? How long does it live?”
I think she got fed up answering in the end.

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

My mom didn’t want me to get hurt playing football, so she made me take theater, and the first thing they told me was to break a leg.

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

90% of parenting is asking, “Did you _?” when you know damned well that they didn’t.

We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.

*getting murdered*

WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*

Okay, proceed.

[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE

beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

{Talking to my friend who just had twins}
HIM: It’s so much harder than just having one!
ME: Well sure, cuz you have to decide which will be the control and which will be the experimental.
HIM: What?
ME: What?

My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”

I sent one back saying “who’s this?”

Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.

Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me

I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.