Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
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i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
*unsubscribes from newsletter*
*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*
*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.