This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
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Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
I just “shaved “both my legs with the little plastic cap still on the razor and didn’t notice until I was “finished” with the second leg.
I just scraped shaving cream off my legs like ice off a windshield.
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
The most annoying part of making spaghetti is when the noodles are done, so you pour them into the strainer but the holes are too big so you end up with spaghetti all over the inside of your car.
NASA: what makes u qualified for our mission to mars?
ME: i desperately want to be shot into deep space, where there are definitely no geese
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
Recent evidence indicates that Earth is indeed bi-polar, as we’ve always suspected.
*pulls out earbud*
What?
“We need to talk.”
*pulls out earbud*
“You’ve been spending too much time at Chernobyl.”
*pulls out earbud*
No way
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
You call it gossiping, I call it a love of knowledge
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
ME: I love you
HER:
ME: I said I love you
HER: sir, I can’t give you extra curly fries…please just pay for your order
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
Colorado is burning down and the next time I see one of you fuckers flick a cig out the window I’m going to ram you with my car.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?