Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
You Might Also Like
It’s like my nana once said….
You know you can block people on Twitter who confuse crochet with knitting, right?
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Joel Osteen wouldn’t open his megachurch to flood victims. Let’s not jump to conclusions. Maybe he has two of every kind of animal in there.
Lmao the reply
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Me: I’ve always been good at cosmetology. I have a nose for it.
Mortician: Please put that back.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
me: push!
wife: [in labor] I AM
me: push harder!!
wife: I CAN’T
me: oh my bad [opens door to delivery room] it says pull
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile