My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
You Might Also Like
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Me: I don’t get it, I was just standing here, hard at work
HR: Yes, that was the problem.
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Me to me: I will spend this day in isolation doing productive things I’ve always wanted to get done
Me, six hours later, finally glancing up from my phone: pardon
Drama Llama is what they dubbed me in college. Not because of my theatrics, I earned the name by spitting.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
My mom keeps telling me there are plenty of fish in the sea. She REALLY doesn’t get me anymore. I. Don’t. Want. A. Fish.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
What the hell happened here.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
[at bedtime]
5 yo: Leave the door open.
Me: Will that keep you awake?
5 yo: It needs to be open so the shadow people can leave.
Me: [never sleeps again]
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline